The dreams that nightmares are made of
The past two days have been really rough on me. Payday's always seem to be the worst. You hours and hours away from home, doing what everyone else tells you to do only to get to pay day and realize you paycheck was gone before you could even see how much it was. Like most middle class families, we tend to live pay check to paycheck. With the economic changes that have occurred over the years and man's constant need for the new and better things has most house holds adults both working and some working two and three jobs just to make ends meet. I never in a million years thought I'd see a school requirement for a laptop. Books and school supplies are expensive enough but now we are required to provide the teachers their supplies since the school can no longer seem to provide them with what they need to do their job. I'm just waiting for the day that hospitals require nurses to bring our own IV supplies.
When I was younger and still living at home, I couldn't wait for payday. Now payday is just a reminder of how much money I owe to everyone else. This past payday was no different. I knew with all the payments I had set up to be paid out that I would not be able to save any money until the last two weeks of the month but when payday came it still hit me like a punch to the throat. I started crunching numbers again to make sure I would be able to do this surgery and I'm right on the edge of the roof not knowing which way the egg is going to roll. So I messaged my adviser to see if there was any openings for the 25th of September. It would be the last date I could possibly do without having to push it off until late November or even later. Compile that information with a couple of months worth on not sleeping and body ache and you know what you get? A full mental breakdown. That's right, that's my current status. Toss in a teenager who doesn't listen and a husband with no patients and it makes for a evening of complete disaster.
Instead of going into work at my second job last evening I had a family matter to see to then I went home in hopes of actually getting some much needed sleep. I hated giving up 6 hours worth of work since I need every penny I can get right now to make this surgery happen but I found myself walking in to walls I was so tired (literally walking into walls). I laid down to take a nap but found myself in tears instead. Once again the self doubt came in about being able to save enough money to have this surgery in September. I started to see images of my pulling to heavy sacks behind me, dragging on the ground. One was marked "debt" the other was marked "weight." No matter how hard I tried or how many hours I worked I never saw these two boulders being whittled away at. I just continued to drag them along with me, weighing me down and keeping me from reaching my goals and dreams. When I finally did fall asleep, the night mares began. I remember felling like I couldn't move and passing out at work and trying to hide the fact as I was trying to act like nothing happened. I remember being able to see the veins in the back of my eyes and saying to myself, "Oh God, I think I just had a stroke!" Yet in my dream I still pressed on at work even though I physically couldn't stand. I can't remember every detail of them but I do remember waking up crying.
When I went back to sleep later that night at eleven, the nightmares continued. By then the flames had been fanned by my husband and daughter getting in to it and once again I was pulled into the middle. The stress I'm feeling is unbearable and I don't know quite how to handle it. For the past 10 years I have been the buffer zone between my husband and my kids. Sometimes I feel like I'm walking away bruised and battered just trying to keep the peace. Yesterday was a really bad day for me emotionally so coming home so such stress did not help my mental status at all. After being woken up several times by my dogs through out the night, my night of "resting up" became a night of nightmare and no rest at all. I woke to return to work today and I can barely keep my eyes open again. I'm facing twelve to fifteen hour work day and I've been fighting to stay awake the moment I got here.
Clint keeps telling me to put the surgery off and to pace myself on saving up the money but I have a time line and a dead line to meet. I want to return to school in January, I want to be down enough to feel comfortable in front of a camera. I have so many things coming my way and I can't even look forward to them. I'm tired of being hindered by this weight. I'm tired of coming home in pain everyday. I'm tired of not being able to live life. I've always worked better under pressure. Clint always says that I seem to always make money come out of no where when I need it the most but I am starting to question if I will be able to make that happen this time.
I wish I were able to sit back and focus on the instructions I need to follow for this surgery. To meal plan, get my list of items I need to take with me, and just focus on me but I can't. Once again what I need is pushed to the back burner so I can put out every bodies fires. I think I need a two week vacation on a island alone with just my lap top and a drink but with my luck it will be me, a pad of paper and a pen, sitting alone in my car somewhere. Even that would be welcomed at this point. I'm in need of a much needed rest.
When I was younger and still living at home, I couldn't wait for payday. Now payday is just a reminder of how much money I owe to everyone else. This past payday was no different. I knew with all the payments I had set up to be paid out that I would not be able to save any money until the last two weeks of the month but when payday came it still hit me like a punch to the throat. I started crunching numbers again to make sure I would be able to do this surgery and I'm right on the edge of the roof not knowing which way the egg is going to roll. So I messaged my adviser to see if there was any openings for the 25th of September. It would be the last date I could possibly do without having to push it off until late November or even later. Compile that information with a couple of months worth on not sleeping and body ache and you know what you get? A full mental breakdown. That's right, that's my current status. Toss in a teenager who doesn't listen and a husband with no patients and it makes for a evening of complete disaster.
Instead of going into work at my second job last evening I had a family matter to see to then I went home in hopes of actually getting some much needed sleep. I hated giving up 6 hours worth of work since I need every penny I can get right now to make this surgery happen but I found myself walking in to walls I was so tired (literally walking into walls). I laid down to take a nap but found myself in tears instead. Once again the self doubt came in about being able to save enough money to have this surgery in September. I started to see images of my pulling to heavy sacks behind me, dragging on the ground. One was marked "debt" the other was marked "weight." No matter how hard I tried or how many hours I worked I never saw these two boulders being whittled away at. I just continued to drag them along with me, weighing me down and keeping me from reaching my goals and dreams. When I finally did fall asleep, the night mares began. I remember felling like I couldn't move and passing out at work and trying to hide the fact as I was trying to act like nothing happened. I remember being able to see the veins in the back of my eyes and saying to myself, "Oh God, I think I just had a stroke!" Yet in my dream I still pressed on at work even though I physically couldn't stand. I can't remember every detail of them but I do remember waking up crying.
When I went back to sleep later that night at eleven, the nightmares continued. By then the flames had been fanned by my husband and daughter getting in to it and once again I was pulled into the middle. The stress I'm feeling is unbearable and I don't know quite how to handle it. For the past 10 years I have been the buffer zone between my husband and my kids. Sometimes I feel like I'm walking away bruised and battered just trying to keep the peace. Yesterday was a really bad day for me emotionally so coming home so such stress did not help my mental status at all. After being woken up several times by my dogs through out the night, my night of "resting up" became a night of nightmare and no rest at all. I woke to return to work today and I can barely keep my eyes open again. I'm facing twelve to fifteen hour work day and I've been fighting to stay awake the moment I got here.
Clint keeps telling me to put the surgery off and to pace myself on saving up the money but I have a time line and a dead line to meet. I want to return to school in January, I want to be down enough to feel comfortable in front of a camera. I have so many things coming my way and I can't even look forward to them. I'm tired of being hindered by this weight. I'm tired of coming home in pain everyday. I'm tired of not being able to live life. I've always worked better under pressure. Clint always says that I seem to always make money come out of no where when I need it the most but I am starting to question if I will be able to make that happen this time.
I wish I were able to sit back and focus on the instructions I need to follow for this surgery. To meal plan, get my list of items I need to take with me, and just focus on me but I can't. Once again what I need is pushed to the back burner so I can put out every bodies fires. I think I need a two week vacation on a island alone with just my lap top and a drink but with my luck it will be me, a pad of paper and a pen, sitting alone in my car somewhere. Even that would be welcomed at this point. I'm in need of a much needed rest.
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